Kyabram dad fighting for a future beyond alcoholism

Where there's been despair, he now sees hope.

Battling alcoholism for almost 30 years, Luke has dealt with his fair share of hopelessness.

He’s currently in rehab, but not for the first time — time and again, he's struggled to escape the stranglehold of addiction.

But Luke doesn’t want to let past defeats define him.

“What defines me is my recovery,” he said.

“It's not how I fell down, it's how I recover. It's how I be the best dad to my daughter.

“I'm a bloke that's had things happen to him, but has bounced back and is trying.

“I'm in the fight.”

As a child, Luke's dreams for the future were simple: he wanted to get a trade, have a family and settle down.

But at the age of 11, his struggles began when his parents divorced.

Caught between bitter fighting and rocked by the sudden instability, Luke began silently grappling with anxiety.

Throughout his teenage years and into adulthood, every moment seem plagued by the mental illness.

“I was anxious about confrontations and pressure, and big crowds,” he said.

“Waking up in the morning and thinking too far ahead, I became anxious.”

At 16, Luke was hanging around local footy clubs when he discovered a new way to numb the pain.

Alcohol.

“I realised I could just self-medicate until the feelings went away,” he said.

It wasn't long before use turned into abuse.

By the time he was 17, Luke knew he had a drinking problem.

Week after week, he would fail to show up for work on a Monday, still recovering from another weekend of getting black-out drunk.

“It was a vicious cycle,” he said.

“My anxiety would get so overwhelming after a couple of days and I'd just self-medicate.

“I'd go missing for four days, then would show up and have to apologise.”

Waking up after a night out, Luke often didn't know where he'd been or what he'd done.

At some points, his drinking became dangerous.

“I'd be drink driving, or hanging around places where I wasn't safe — but I wasn't sober enough to give it proper thought,” he said.

“I never really got into fights, though. I didn't have much of a temper.”

Because of his drinking, Luke could only maintain labouring work and throughout the next 15 years, the longest he held a job was two years.

{image:865157698}

Meanwhile, his family and friends were growing concerned.

“They said, ‘You've got a problem. This behaviour is not normal’," Luke said.

Finally, at 32, Luke "hit rock bottom" and checked himself in for a six-month stint of rehab in Wodonga.

Sober for the next nine years, he finally started pursuing the dreams he'd had as a child.

He left labouring and started his own business in grounds maintenance, securing some major contracts.

He also married, bought a house and had a daughter.

Life seemed picture-perfect.

But underneath, the cracks were beginning to show.

While Luke thought he'd dealt with alcoholism in rehab, he'd never properly addressed the mental illness at the root of his addiction.

Taking on more and more work, his anxiety soon reached boiling point and at the age of 41, he returned to his old medicine.

Drinking was done in secrecy and shame.

“I'd drink stuff people wouldn't smell,” he said.

“I knew I had a problem, but it was pride that kept me where I was.”

His alcoholism soon started seeping into his relationships; Luke's marriage began to crumble before eventually breaking down.

His daughter was among the collateral damage.

Following the separation, he went "emotionally missing" on her, leaving her to grapple with rejection and uncertainty in the wake of her father's absence.

“Out of all this, that's the hardest thing to face. She deserves her dad back,” Luke said.

While he never legally lost custody of his daughter, she was kept away for her own safety.

Even now, Luke says he's still not at the point to have her back.

“She's the number one priority, making sure she's all right, even if I feel like I'm all right,” he said.

Suddenly stripped of all he loved the most, Luke succumbed to alcoholism, soon consuming two bottles of vodka a day to numb the pain.

Two months after his marriage breakdown, Luke attempted suicide.

“I couldn't see a way out. Couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel,” he said.

“It seemed the easiest thing to do was suicide.

“But that's not the answer. The answer is working through all your problems and restoring all the relationships you'd broken along the way.”

{image:865157697}

Luke was midway through the suicide attempt when police burst in.

Concerned for his safety, his sister had raised the alarm.

“I felt a mixture of relief and shame,” he said.

“But probably more relief that it was out there. That people knew I was struggling.”

Admitted to a psychiatric facility, Luke received care and support for his mental illness.

Once he was discharged, however, he slipped back into his old habits.

But seven months later, he was offered another lifeline.

Concerned for Luke's safety, a friend rang an old acquaintance of Luke's who was working at Kyabram addiction rehab centre Teen Challenge.

“About seven days later, I was in here,” he said.

It's been more than four months now since Luke first arrived at Teen Challenge.

At last, the fog has lifted from his mind.

The self-condemnation has evaporated.

And for the first time in a long time — he feels hope.

“I'm hopeful someday soon, I'll be able to get back to my daughter,” he said.

“That’s what keeps me going. She deserves to have her dad by her side.”

For crisis support and counselling, you can contact any of the services below:

DirectLine: Confidential alcohol and drug counselling and referral in Victoria. For 24-hour advice, call 1800 888 236 or chat online at directline.org.au

Lifeline: A 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention service for all ages. Call 13 11 14.

Kids Helpline: A free, 24-hour phone and online counselling service for young people aged five to 25. Call 1800 55 1800 or visit kidshelpline.com.au

In an emergency, call 000.